Hope, KS — At the Church of Elton John (COEJ) yesterday a heated debate broke out over how Sir Elton (Hercules) John’s lyrical poetry accompanying his music should be interpreted. The conflict has been the source of several members leaving the church altogether, although the 33 & 1/3 remaining members in the Hope, Kansas, chapter are confident that their membership can only increase thru EJ’s majestic glory.

Much of the controversy was sparked over the different interpretations of John’s smash hit tribute, “Candle In The Wind”, where many purists argue that only the Marilyn Monroe (a.k.a. Norma Jean) interpretation has any true meaning, whereas others argue that the reinvented Princess Diana version is the significant version. However, additional members enjoy both versions as well as John’s classic “Empty Gardens (Hey Hey Johnny)” about the death of pop icon Johnny Carson, admitting that “sad songs say so much.”

Other lyrics in dispute include the lyrics to “Tiny Dancer” which seems to imply a fairy ballerina, or Elton’s seamstress hemming his “Blue jeans baby”, however many members claim it alludes to masturbating i.e. “tiny dancer in my hand” which has since been the accepted interpretation, and coincidentally many members use the song specifically for that purpose.

To those unfamiliar with the COEJ, a typical service consists of members reciting stories about Elton John from Esquire, People, Rolling Stone, and various other periodicals that articulate Sir Elton’s compassionate nature and personal triumphs as a self proclaimed, “bisexual” man (although he seems predominately gay in every aspect). This is followed by dancing and singing of John’s musical hymns which span his complete song catalogue, including the Disney tracks from the Lion King and other white trash musicals.

The Church also encourages its members to masquerade as Elton throughout various performances during his career, such as the Statue of Liberty, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, and Donald Duck, and all members are required to wear excessively large flamboyant eyeglasses, to pay idiosyncratic homage to the exalted Sir Elton. Included in this varied array of sparkling glitter, many churchgoers dress in ostrich feathers, while some prefer sequined military fatigues and rainbow colored sailor outfits.

Generally, all members agree unanimously that the COEJ makes them feel closer to Sir Elton and his music, and despite the majority of its members being young, white (gay) men, typically aged 17-28, a handful of its members are elderly women who have remarked how much they prefer COEJ’s fortitude to the typical drab churches they previously attended.

Regardless of Sir Elton’s statement that, that he would “ban religion completely” and that “organized religion doesn’t seem to work. It turns people into really hateful lemmings” the Church of Elton John continues to thrive and hopes to become a contender for most popular new church in Hope, Kansas, but we at KCOJ “think it’s gonna be a long, long, time.”